Not as Smart as I Thought
One of the hardest realities I’ve had to face as I’ve grown older is realizing that I am not as smart as I thought I was. As a child, I developed a sense of superiority. I don’t know exactly why or how this idea got into my head, but I have some suspicions. One culprit was probably my early access to the internet. Having all of humanity’s knowledge at my fingertips, at an age when I had no real base knowledge, made me believe that even if I knew nothing, I could figure it out. I was never a particularly good student, and I can’t say I gave much effort to my schoolwork in high school. Still, I managed to get relatively decent grades. That made me believe, “If I’m doing this well without trying, imagine if I actually tried.” This superiority complex kept me from applying to colleges. Instead, I went to community college, mostly to satisfy my mother, while telling myself I would figure out a way to be successful without a degree. I dragged out my time there for nearly a decade, often taking years off between classes.
During that decade, I tried many ways to make money. Trading crypto, stocks, e-commerce, making music. I made some money in a few of these, but I never stuck with anything long enough to see real results. If something didn’t work out fast enough, I got impatient and moved on to the next idea.
I don’t know what changed. Maybe my prefrontal cortex finally finished “downloading”, but one day I woke up and thought, “I am a fucking dumbass.” After all that time, I had nothing to show for the past ten years. I worked as a bartender and server, but I had almost no money saved or invested. All I had was a pile of abandoned projects and no prospects for leaving the restaurant industry. I realized I had wasted years chasing grandiose ideas of what my life could be instead of doing what actually works: consistent hard work. Now, I am two classes away from finishing my associate’s degree so I can finally transfer to a Cal State. I’m not saying college is the only path to success. Everyone’s path is different, and maybe this degree won’t change everything. But if I had stayed in school, I would at least have something to show for it. It’s not like I couldn’t have worked on my ideas while also going to school and working; I had the time. I just hoped I’d get rich quickly so I wouldn’t have to put in the effort of balancing both.
As I reread this, I realize I sound bitter, but the truth is I have a positive outlook on the choices I made. After all, this is my first time being alive. I’m more dedicated to school now than I was right after high school, and there have been benefits to working in restaurants, like improving my ability to talk with strangers. Sure, I wish I had done some things differently, but that’s the cost of growing up: realizing the mistakes you made along the way.