Accountability
How does one take genuine accountability for wronging someone? Are they truly sorry, or just sorry they were caught? Is mending a wrongdoing even possible?
I have wronged someone in my life. I don’t know why I did it. Maybe I thought I could get away with it? Even if I did, you never really escape the consequences of guilt. Saying “sorry” is just using a band-aid to patch up a sinking ship. If I were truly sorry, why would I have done such a thing in the first place? Why couldn’t I just be honest and avoid the destruction of someone’s trust? Why did being honest seem harder than lying?
Looking back, I should have chosen the uncomfortable truth over the comforting lie. What’s done is done. There’s a part of me that thinks I should be miserable my whole life, as if that would somehow make things even. Funnily enough, the person I wronged wouldn’t want that for me.
Do I actually feel bad, or is my ego making me feel guilty because I was exposed for who I really am? Maybe I really am just a bad person, and having my mask removed frightens me. Is it better to be a bad person or someone who did a bad thing? At least with bad people, you know what to expect. When you’re trusted by someone and you break that trust, you’re not only hurting them—you’re destroying something sacred: trust.
You blocked me on social media a few days ago. I was hoping for a happy birthday text all day for some reason, but I’m oddly grateful that I got blocked instead. I hope you can move away from me in time. I’ve often wondered if I could amend things, but the more I thought about it, the clearer it became that I ruined everything between us—our memories, our friendship, our relationship.
Although it wasn’t the happy birthday text I wanted, I think this was the best birthday present you could have given me. Wherever you end up, I know it will be for the better. I truly am sorry for everything. I’d love the idea of reaching out one day, but I think the only way to take true accountability is by letting you heal—by not being in your life.
I wish you the best of luck, ******. You will always be in my heart and prayers. Stay safe, Booger.